The Warm-Up: Deathstar Real – resistance is futile
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Updated 11/05/2017 at 07:07 GMT
Jack Lang casts his eye over last night's games and braves Owen Hargreaves' wonderful, terrific commentary.
Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid celebrates at the end of the UEFA Champions League Semi Final second leg match between Club Atletico de Madrid and Real Madrid CF
Image credit: Getty Images
THURSDAY’S BIG STORIES
Real crush Atleti, even while losing
Well, it was fun while it lasted. For 41 sweet, underdog minutes, it actually looked as though Atlético Madrid might upset the apple cart. Saúl nodded an opener, Antoine Griezmann scored with the worst penalty in the history of the game and, from nowhere, Los Colchoneros were in the tie.
But just when they were raging, along came the dying of the light. Deathstar Real juddered into view, Karim Benzema performed a Jedi mind trick on the home defence and Isco, the king of the midfield Ewoks, jabbed the ball home.
God, it must be such a drag to keep losing to your most hated rivals in a competition you’ve otherwise mastered. This, lest we forget, was the fourth successive season that Real have put paid to Atleti’s Champions League hopes. “Proud not to be you,” read the pre-game tifo at the Calderón, but “Sick of the sight of you” might have been more appropriate.
Real, though: fair enough. Resistance is futile.
Maximum Arsenal
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Alexis Sanchez of Arsenal celebrates after scoring to make it 0-1 with Danny Welbeck of Arsenal during the Premier League match between Southampton and Arsenal at St Mary's Stadium on May 10, 2017 in Southampton, England.
Image credit: Getty Images
You really have to hand it to Arsenal: their commitment to exploring the outer limits of footballing masochism truly is the stuff of legend.
The Gunners have apparently tired of vanilla fare like not challenging for the league, losing to Bayern Munich and having half their squad injured at any given moment. That doesn’t cut it anymore. They’re on the hard stuff.
Finishing below Spurs was a buzz. Not finishing in the top four has been on the to-do list for some time. But now, after last night’s 2-0 win over Southampton, it looks like they’re amping it up further by getting really, really close to salvaging a Champions League spot and still not doing it.
Think of this as the macro version of their brave but ultimately pointless second-leg fightbacks in European games. Nice bit of synergy, if you ask The Warm-Up.
Wayne’s world
This just in from the Department of Well, Duh: Wayne Rooney has hinted that he may need to leave Manchester United to get regular football next season.
“I’ve been at this club 13 years, but I want to play football,” said the sad-faced bruiser. “I think football changes. You have different challenges in your career.”
Indeed. Like getting to the bottom of why Ronald Koeman doesn’t seem to receive your WhatsApp messages.
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Manchester United's Wayne Rooney applauds fans
Image credit: Eurosport
IN OTHER NEWS
Say hello to United’s snazzy new away kit, inspired by the white-and-blue strip the Red Devils used in the early 90s and modelled by Ander Herrera, Paul Pogba, David De Gea and Henrikh Mkhitaryan.
Oh, and these poor saps…
“José, we need two more for the kit launch.”
“Phil and… **Eyes glaze over with maniac delight**… Luke.”
“But…”
“Phil and Luke.”
HEROES AND ZEROES
Heroes: Atlético Madrid’s fans
Their team 1-0 up: rowdy.
Their team 2-0 up: rowdy.
Their team all-but out: rowdy.
Biblical rain: rowdy.
15 minutes after the final whistle: rowdy.
Zero: Owen Hargreaves
The former England midfielder’s enthusiasm in the commentary box is charming at first, but the goodwill drains away pretty fast when you hear the world “wonderful” 4.6 times a minute for almost two hours.
HAT TIP
How does someone create something that is unique to human experience? Is it intuitive brilliance? Is it extreme dedication to an art? Is it a special collaborative process with other like-minded souls? Is it some inherent genius which pushes a person just beyond the human frame of reference and towards the ethereal and mystical? Do they even have any control over it?
Yesterday was Dennis Bergkamp’s birthday, which makes this a good moment to revisit fellow Warm-Upper Tom Adams’ magnum opus on the Dutchman’s best goal, that mind-bending effort against Newcastle. He didn’t even pay me extra to write this, although since you mention it…
COMING UP
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Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho during the press conference
Image credit: Eurosport
Roll up, roll up! It’s time for a game so important that Jose Mourinho was willing to lose to Arsène Wenger to be ready for! It’s a match that laughs in the face of the race for the top four, cackles at your championship-long competence.
Yep, it’s Manchester United 1-1 Celta Vigo (Aspas 25; Jones 90+7) in the Europa League, starting at 8:05pm. At the same time, Lyon will attempt to overturn a three-goal deficit against Ajax in a game that will almost certainly be way more fun.
Tom Adams is your Warm-Up host on Friday and will do a far better job of writing a funny handover link.
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