The Warm-Up: Sevilla make Liverpool pay as Spurs learn Wembley way
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Updated 14/09/2017 at 07:26 GMT
Jack Lang picks through the bones of an entertaining second day of Champions League action.
Roberto Firmino of Liverpool reacts to missing a penalty during the UEFA Champions League group E match between Liverpool FC and Sevilla FC at Anfield on September 13, 2017 in Liverpool, United Kingdom.
Image credit: Getty Images
THURSDAY’S BIG STORIES
Can’t defend, won’t defend
Special European Nights™ returned to Anfield on Wednesday evening and Liverpool didn’t waste much time running through their full repertoire of scintillating, hot-jackhammer-through-butter attacking and laughable, fingers-slammed-in-the-sliding-door defending against Sevilla.
At some stage, we’re really going to have to consider the possibility that it’s all a big joke being played on the public in general and Liverpool fans in particular. Jurgen Klopp is an intelligent man; maybe he’s trying to make some oblique point about Trump or jazz or the early work of David Lynch, using the only tools at his disposal, and never expected it to get this far.
That sounds pretty fanciful, of course, but the alternative is believing that Klopp believes sentences like “Dejan Lovren is a Champions-League-quality defender” have truth value. And it’s not just Lovren, either: he was the guiltiest party last night but on the basis of the last few weeks, you wouldn’t be surprised if there was some kind of squad rota system in place to ensure the craven errors are spread around equally throughout the season. A clottery lottery, if you will.
Klopp, of course, did want Virgil van Dijk over the summer – tacit admission that his current options are not up to scratch. But when it became apparent that Southampton were not prepared to let the Dutchman move to Merseyside (loyalty scheme be damned!), why on earth didn’t Liverpool move heaven and earth to find an alternative?
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Liverpool - Sevilla
Image credit: Getty Images
The Reds were unlucky against Sevilla. They created enough chances to win the game twice over and the Rojiblancos scored with both of their shots on target. But you’re always running a risk when your underbelly is soft and fleshy as theirs.
Klopp wants rock-and-roll football, which seems achievable. His team certainly has the requisite muscle and energy in the final third. If only the defence would let the band play something other than the Benny Hill theme tune.
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Sevilla's French forward Wissam Ben Yedder (C) vies with Liverpool's Spanish defender Alberto Moreno and Liverpool's Croatian defender Dejan Lovren (R) during the UEFA Champions League Group E football match between Liverpool and Sevilla at Anfield in Liv
Image credit: Getty Images
City feeling Feyen
It was far smoother sailing for Manchester City, who breezed past Feyenoord courtesy of a brace from John ‘The Hitman’ Stones and further strikes from Sergio Aguero and Gabriel Jesus.
“Last season we couldn’t win one game away from home and we spoke about that,” Guardiola said after that one. “A start like this is so important.”
Important, too, is the availability of Yaya Toure. Well at least according to his agent, who was kind enough to CC some of his favourite news providers in this tweet earlier in the evening:
Spurs learn the Wembley way
The Warm-Up assumes that Harry Kane finds those “Harry Kane August hoodoo” stories as dull as any other semi-sentient life form, but the striker probably breathed further life into the phenomenon by adding two more goals to his September tally on Wednesday. That’s now six and counting in four games for club and country.
Kane’s efforts helped Tottenham past Borussia Dortmund, who huffed and puffed but could not match their hosts at Wembley – not least because goalkeeper Roman Burki was in exceptionally charitable mood. With Real Madrid having begun with a 3-0 stroll against APOEL, the German side are already up against it.
For all his impact, though, Kane was not the star of the show for Spurs. No, that honour went to Mauricio Pochettino’s hair, which The Warm-Up is 99.99% sure has been dyed a lighter shade of brown this summer. Suits you, sir.
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Tottenham Hotspur's English striker Harry Kane (R) is congratulated by Tottenham Hotspur's Argentinian head coach Mauricio Pochettino after being substituted during the UEFA Champions League Group H football match between Tottenham Hotspur and Borussia Do
Image credit: Getty Images
HEROES AND ZEROES
Hero: Eduardo Berizzo
The Sevilla manager was send to the stands for this, but he’d be paraded through the streets if The Warm-Up ran the world. Wonderful, wonderful s—housery.
Zeroes: Stupid fans
24 hours after a Celtic supporter ran on and air-kicked next to Kylian Mbappé, there was an even luckier escape in Slovenia, where Maribor hosted Spartak Moscow:
RETRO CORNER
If The Warm-Up was putting together a list of the most underrated players of all time – and, hey, always open to commissions! – there would definitely, definitely be space for José María Gutiérrez Hernández, the outsider artist better known as Guti.
Just watch the video below and let those darts, nutmegs and assists (the famous one at 5:37 is practically orgasmic) wash over you. Pure, uncut filth.
IN THE CHANNELS
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water after the interminable aftermath of Sadio Mané’s red card against Manchester City, along comes Jamie Carragher to reignite the debate.
All together now: “Liverpool star finally breaks silence on controversial Premier League dismissal, cc @Carra23 pls RT pls pls pls RT!”
COMING UP
Dumped by their supermodel soulmate after 16 years of going steady, Arsenal dust off the glad rags and get back on the dating scene tonight. Their first Europa League assignment is a home game against Cologne, in what wags are calling the Lukas Podolski Clasico.
That’s at 8.05pm, and if you need a palate-cleanser beforehand, try Atalanta vs Everton. The Toffees will be looking to bounce back from a limp display against Chelsea at the weekend but are unlikely to have it all their own way against last season’s surprise package in Italy.
Tom Adams will be here on Friday to tell you all about this great Arsenal youngster called Jack Wilshere, who really does look destined for greatness after his all-action display on Thursday night.
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