Eric Cantona, Commissioner of Football – the best bits

First up, Cantona gives his take on PSG’s collapse against Barcelona and it is not pretty, with some Oscar fun mixed in to boot.

"And the winner is: Paris Saint Germain, begins Cantona.

“Ah, sorry guys, it’s Barcelona! For some, it was ‘miracle on grass’, but for others it was the ‘heist of the century’.

“Either way, it was epic. Seven minutes is the time that Barca needed to score three crucial goals.

“Seven minutes is the time it takes for PSG defender Serge Aurier to put on his socks when called in as a sub in the French League.

“Seven minutes is the time Manchester City qualified for the quarter-finals. As it happens, seven minutes is also the average time for sexual intercourse. And don’t say no, cause you know it is true!

“Point of it is: don’t have sex while watching football, because you will miss a lot of things.”

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Luis Suarez’s influence on the game does not go unnoticed either, with the Uruguayan coming in for some interesting criticism.

“Suarez is not a biter any more, he’s a diver. Not a very good one, way too dramatic.

“Such blatant cheating with this hand on the throat, look of agony, b*******v !

“This is football porn. Kids should not be allowed to watch.”

However, Cantona saves his best howitzer for John Stones.

“Manchester City’s defence are not the only one to blame for their very own infamous Brexit,” began the Manchester United legend.

“We know now why John Stones was so expensive: because he comes with a fully equipped trailer that he pulls behind him when he plays.

“And the attack! Not a single shot in the first 45 minutes. The question now is not who is going to leave when the summer comes, but rather, who is going to stay?”