The Warm-Up: Everton get their Ice Man, Ronaldo cries foul, Maradona rolls back the years
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Updated 17/08/2017 at 07:28 GMT
Jack Lang also brings news from Southampton's customer services team, the dark corners of Arsenal's squad and Zinedine Zidane's glorious past...
Everton boss Ronald Koeman
Image credit: Getty Images
THURSDAY’S BIG STORIES
The Ice Man cometh
We start by offering hearty congratulations to Everton. The Toffees have pulled off one of the transfer coups of the summer by signing a top-quality No.10 who has been enormously consistent over the last few seasons and is, by any reasonable metric, one of the best-looking men in the Premier League.
But enough about Wayne Rooney; they’ve now signed Gylfi Sigurdsson as well.
Yes, everyone’s favourite Icelandic footballer since Hermann Hreidarsson finally put pen to paper with the Toffees on Wednesday after one of the most slow-burn sagas of the summer. “This is an ambitious club and it is clear we are moving in a really good direction,” said Sigurdsson. “The most important thing is that this team keeps winning games and climbing the table.” Yes, from seventh to, erm… well, anyway.
There’s no doubt that Everton are getting a fine player. Sigurdsson is creative, consistent and – weirdly rare in the modern game – legitimately good at free-kicks. These are all good things. Yet even card-carrying members of the 27-year-old’s fanclub (Sig Sig Sputnik™, if you were wondering) surely can’t help but feel that the £45million is just a little on the enthusiastic side.
‘Golden’ Ronald Koeman clearly disagrees, though, and isn’t done with his summer spending yet. He still wants a striker and a left-back, and if he gets them, Everton’s summer spending could break the £150m barrier. Truly, this is a brave new world.
The ice caps are melting, but luckily the Ice Man should feel right at home.
Customer service announcement
Dear Mr Henry,
This is a courtesy letter we are sending out to our most beloved customers to inform them that we are withdrawing our popular Loyalty Card scheme.
As you will no doubt be aware, the programme was intended to reward repeat buyers by offering them a free footballer after the purchase of five footballers. There was a heartening uptake, particularly in Merseyside, largely thanks to your own efforts.
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BURNLEY, ENGLAND - JANUARY 14: Virgil van Dijk of Southampton arrives at the stadium prior to the Premier League match between Burnley and Southampton at Turf Moor on January 14, 2017 in Burnley, England. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)
Image credit: Getty Images
But having conducted a thorough audit of the scheme, we no longer feel it is conducive to progress in this increasingly fraught economic environment, moving forward.
It is with regret, therefore, that we will not be sending Virgil van Dijk to you in the post, as requested.
Yours defensively,
Ralph Krueger, Southampton FC
Now that’s what I call persecution
To the front line in the battle for universal human rights now, and the latest quotes from Cristiano Ronaldo, aka the Portuguese Nelson Mandela, aka Martin Luther Bling.
“It’s impossible to stay quiet in this situation,” harrumphed the Madeira martyr, reflecting on his five-game ban for pushing a referee in the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup. “Five matches! To me it seems exaggerated and ridiculous. This is what you call persecution!”
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Cristiano Ronaldo Sperre
Image credit: Getty Images
You tell them, Cris. All those minority groups the world over have nothing on the poor, downtrodden underclass of Real Madrid footballers.
The Warm-Up just hopes you have the patience to wait for history to see that petulant little shove for what it really was: your Rosa Parks moment.
RETRO CORNER
On this day 13 years ago, one Zinedine Zidane played his first game for France. It’s fair to say that it went quite well:
And while we’re on French football, a very happy birthday to Thierry Henry, who turns 40 today. Here’s a video of every single one of his goals for his country:
HEROES AND ZEROES
Hero: Diego Maradona
This just in from the Department of Still Got It:
Zero: Gabriel Paulista
So long, then, Mr Too-Perfect Teeth. Valencia are beckoning and who are we to keep you?
It’s sad, I know, but we’ll always have the memories: you getting injured; you making a series of crass errors and grimacing; you playing Diego Costa Roulette and losing badly. They can never take the good times away from us.
Anyway, it’s probably the right decision. When half the defenders in the squad are banned or injured, the other half are left-backs, your manager decides to play with an extra centre-back and you’re STILL behind Mohamed Elneny (!!!) in the pecking order, it’s time to move on.
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Gabriel Paulista, Arsenal
Image credit: PA Photos
HAT TIP
I parked my car in the driveway and took a few steps up the walkway … and I saw my wife and kids standing in the doorway. I stopped — I just looked at them for a few seconds. And then I started to cry. I cried like I never had before. I hugged my daughter. I felt her face against mine and I thought, I am so lucky. I am so lucky. I am so lucky.
The Players’ Tribune website keeps coming up trumps with first-person (OK, fine, clearly heavily ghostwritten) pieces by top footballers. But even if you’ve read a load of the other recent entries, you should definitely make time for Nuri Şahin’s account of the shocking attack on the Borussia Dortmund team bus earlier this year.
COMING UP
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Wayne Rooney celebrates his winner for boyhood club Everton
Image credit: PA Sport
Ah, the eternal dilemma of the Europa League. Do you call it in now, risking a minor fan revolt in the short term but avoiding literally months of long journeys to play mediocre teams with reserves? Or do you go through the act of taking it seriously, only to bow to the inevitable in March when things get important in the league?
Everton have already battled their way past mythical earth deity Ružomberok and now take on Hajduk Split, with the first leg tonight at Goodison Park. The group stages beckon, so it’s now or never if they do want to tank it.
Friday’s Warm-Up will be penned by prominent French politician Jack Lang.
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