The Warm-Up: West Ham to ban hundreds, Rooney's next club revealed

There was controversy last night in The Apprentice when Karren Brady united the twin reservoirs of outstanding business acumen and towering genius that are teams Titan and Nebula to take on a hastily-rearranged task of trawling through hours of CCTV footage at London Stadium to identity wrongdoers in the trouble which marred the League Cup win over Chelsea this week.

Two hours were wasted trying to appoint a project manager, much to Claude’s evident disgust as he furiously made notes about which dithering contestants he wanted to chuck through the nearest window, but Lord Sugar will be delighted to discover when they reconvene in the boardroom that thanks to Karthik’s leadership on this task, West Ham have been able to identify 200 fans who will now be hit with bans. Two hundred!

Probably aware at the level of public discontent with what is the most gratuitous use of taxpayers’ money in London since the Millennium Dome, West Ham have acted admirably quickly and strongly to try and get on top of this PR disaster. The motto for the Olympic legacy was ‘Inspire a Generation’ - but unless you are inspiring a generation to turn off football, what we saw this week in the stadium which hosted the 2012 Games cannot be repeated.

Next week on The Apprentice: Team Nebula accidentally sell Dimitri Payet to Real Madrid for £125 after encountering Florentino Perez during a task flogging scented candles in Covent Garden.

It’s the natural progression. Now Wayne Rooney’s repertoire has been reduced to spraying Hollywood passes around the pitch, it’s time he took his talents to Tinseltown where they will be best appreciated (no rubbish jokes about a new Shrek film, please). According to The Sun this morning, Los Angeles Galaxy are investigating the possibility of signing the Manchester United striker.

Sadly, though, there will be no aging Scouse double act at StubHub Center. LA Galaxy will be denied their own Leon and June because if Rooney arrives, it will reportedly be as Steven Gerrard’s replacement. Which surely means that in about five years or so, Rooney will hand the 'washed-up English talent' baton on to Jack Wilshere.

The last two rounds of games in the Premier League have been headlined by two big matches with preposterous monikers bestowed upon them by Sky Sports. The Liverpool v Manchester United derby was ‘Red Monday’ and then we had ‘The Return’, taking Jose Mourinho back to Chelsea. But the hype machine has cooled off this week with no standout matches, at least at first glance.

But delve a little deeper and we could have one of the most significant matches in some years, at least in terms of English football’s inflated sense of self. The evident relish with which some have questioned whether Pep Guardiola’s flashy methods - possession! Changing positions! Intelligent application of detailed training! - can work in English football will be positively aroused at the realisation that on Saturday he comes up against Tony ‘Route One’ Pulis. A more fundamental clash of cultures and couture could hardly be envisaged. If West Brom stop Manchester City from winning for the seventh match in succession, the crowing from those innately suspicious of Guardiola's sophistication will be deafening.

How about ‘The Battle for the Soul of Football’? Suitably hyperbolic, but just about gets the idea across.

Patrice Evra has ended racism. Okay, if that was true it should have made the section above, somewhere near the top in fairness. But he has claimed to have stumbled upon a solution, and the answer to the insidious blight on human existence is to watch him dressed up in a panda suit dancing to some music, according to his latest Instagram post.

“Be like my panda!!!” he wrote. “I m black ,white, asian and chubby !! ... ps after this video you can t be racist...”

If only he'd had the outfit to hand when he was being marked at a corner when Liverpool played Manchester United in October 2011…

So farewell then, Vine, which is to be discontinued by Twitter. You infuriated official rights holders by making football highlights instantly accessible and created legends of social media but, to this corner of the internet at least, you will always be best remembered for transforming Richard Keys into a ludicrous meme of unlimited potential.

There’s so many to choose from, but here’s our three favourites…

Please join The Warm-Up in observing a six-second silence.

Wayne Rooney in Hollywood you say? If only he already had some brilliant acting on his showreel. OH WAIT, HE BLOODY DOES.

Oh there’s plenty. You’ve got QPR v Brentford in the Championship, Gladbach v Eintracht Frankfurt in Germany, Lille v PSG in France, Leganes v Real Sociedad in Spain and Nacional v Sporting in Portugal. They are all on TV - just use your remote to find out where. The Warm-Up hasn’t got time to indulge your addiction.