Yellow peril

When a new kit goes on sale, hundreds of supporters
customarily queue up to get exploited mercilessly by their club's merchandising machine.

Liverpool's club shop was swamped earlier this summer when
the new kit came out, despite opening at five to midnight.

Geordies are famously passionate, and Sky Sports News
viewers will realise they need no second bidding to mill around outside St
James' Park of a weekday morning.

So how many of the 'best
fans in the world' were in the queue
when the megastore opened its doors? Three.

That's right. Despite
Newcastle slashing 20 per cent off the sticker price (anyone who has been to a
Sports Direct store will know that is the smallest discount Mike Ashley has
ever given on anything), demand has been somewhat limited.

Even the bloke at the front of the queue struggled to muster
any enthusiasm, saying: "I don't
even like the shirt but I'm a Newcastle fan so I'm still happy to buy it. But I might wear a jumper
on top of it."

It is a perfect storm. Newcastle change kits generally sell
poorly because nobody in their right mind would turn up to St James' sporting anything other than a black-and-white
shirt, half a dozen tattoos and a beer belly.

There is also a movement among some fans to boycott all
merchandise until Ashley leaves the club.

In any case, who would want to purchase a new shirt that
will forever be associated with the club's
fall from grace? (Incidentally, it's
nice to see that Joe Public is still stumping up to keep Northern Rock's name on the shirt.)

Finally, and most importantly, it looks like... well, what does it look like?

Early Doors has trawled the internet for the best
descriptions of this nightmarish vision in yellow-on-yellow, and here they are:

'It looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.'

'It looks like it's been used to
mop up curry-coloured vomit from a Bigg Market pavement.'

'It looks like
someone at adidas cut up a deckchair and sewed a Toon badge on.'

'It
looks like Norwich and Blackpool
got into a fight and this was the leftovers.'

'It looks like a
Macken has designed it for a laugh.'

'It looks like a
banana that someone has been sick on.'

Finally, from Newcastle
fan forum:

'It looks like a
tacky Championship team's strip...'

Bingo.

- - -

The sublime collided with the ridiculous yesterday when Nelson Mandela
was granted a very special opportunity to shake hands with the Manchester City squad.

It must have been quite a moment for the greatest living
human being. After all, Emmanuel Adebayor has always been interested in South
African politics.

As befits a statesman of his quality, Mr Mandela soon cut
City's multi-millionaire big shots
down to size, telling Robinho: "You are a baby! What are you doing here?"

Mark Hughes's
powers of oratory deserted him when presenting Mr Mandela with a shirt to mark
his 91st birthday, stammering: "You're
age, it's a fantastic age."

Robinho also found himself unable to escape the language of
football cliche, describing Mr Mandela like he were Henrik Larsson: "At 91
he's still so fit and sharp. I hope
that we're so good at that
age."

The photo-op took place to promote the Nelson
Mandela Children's Fund, which aims
to "change the way society treats its children and youth." If the
City model is anything to go by, society can start by giving its children and
youth £150,000 a week.

- - -

FOREIGN VIEW: Several players at San Lorenzo have opened legal proceedings against the Argentine
club over unpaid salaries, amid absenteeism at coach Diego Simeone's pre-season training sessions.

Lord of the Rings actor Viggo Mortensen, a San
Lorenzo fan since his boyhood days in Argentina, has come to the club's aid with £48,000 to pay off one debt, according
to infobae.com.

Argentine FA president Julio Grondona told a
TV interviewer this week there were seven top-flight clubs and 10 in the second
tier National B division with a combined debt of £6.35 million.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Emmanuel Adebayor - my defence: "I came back from holiday and in my first
training session they told me that they had accepted an offer for me. I asked Wenger why he wanted to sell me. I found out that
Arsenal needed the money and that I was the target. I never wanted to leave. I'm happy they get their money and I hope they spend
it well. I scored 30 goals for Arsenal two seasons ago and it was not my fault
that AC Milan, Barcelona
or Real Madrid wanted to buy me. The way the fans turned against me was not
nice."

COMING UP: Live text commentary on four pre-season friendlies today: FC Seoul v Manchester United at 12:00,
Celtic v Al Ahly at 17:15 and Tottenham Hotspur v Barcelona at 20:00.

Plus
we have live coverage of England's children against their Ukrainian counterparts - Ukraine v England at 17:30.