Football news - The Warm-Up: Get Big Dunc in at Arsenal

The only issue at Arsenal, according to AFTV, is that those mugs aren't playing for the shirt. Nope, nothing to do with an imbalance within the squad, nothing to do with an actual lack of talent and absolutely nothing to do with a horrendously toxic atmosphere within the stadium.

Therefore, there is only one person suited to arrest this slide and the name on his birth certificate reads Big Duncan Ferguson. The job he has done at Everton has been remarkable - the Toffees were another club who were full of clowns not playing for the shirt. It has taken him a couple of weeks to sort that out. The man is the walking embodiment of passion. If anyone can turn Mesut Ozil into Lee Cattermole then Dunc's your man.

However, the clamour for Big Dunc to become Everton manager doesn't sit well with the man himself.

"We need the best manager in the world to manage Everton Football Club. I’ve not got the experience in management," said Ferguson after his side's 1-1 draw with Manchester United at Old Trafford.

So, it can be concluded with a degree of certainty that Big Dunc is not going to be Everton manager. Therefore, a switch to Arsenal makes perfect sense, where he can pick up experience at a smaller, lesser club. [Insert fishing rod emoji]

It was absolutely tatters on Sunday up north - when isn't it? - and Big Dunc didn't even wear a jacket. If that sort of passion does not address all the ills at the Emirates then just wind the club up. Decent bit of land, the Emirates - could probably build 100 flats at the size of a shoebox for 500k a pop. 650k if you want one with a bog. Free market, mate.

It is important to state at this point that there might be more than just a passion issue at the Emirates. However, a three-week non-stop stint watching videos in the AFTV echo chamber has convinced the Warm-Up that an injection of passion will definitely make Arsenal world beaters once again.

Chelsea have lost four of their last five games in the Premier League. That itself is bad enough, but it's the calibre of performance that should be more of a worry. Chelsea have been poor for over a month now.

Were their manager not deemed a club legend then it is not too far a stretch to say that the King's Road would be awash with middle-aged men dressed like a cross between a Peaky Blinder and a club shop mannequin decrying this fraud as not understanding the ethos of a club and its history.

However, thankfully for Frank and fans of Frank's continued employment as manager of Chelsea Football Club, Frank does understand the club, its ethos and its history, so the prevailing logic amongst the 'understanding the ethos of the club' truthers is that he will eventually get it right because presumably understanding the club, its ethos and its history is prerequisite of beating dross like West Ham, Everton and Bournemouth.

Now, if the above makes absolutely no sense then that is because the above makes absolutely no sense. Maurizio Sarri was on the receiving end of all sorts of abuse at roughly this stage last season because Sarri-ball was not befitting of a club of Chelsea's standing. What. A. Load. Of. Tosh.

Oh, and on the subject of tosh...

Does the below enhance the game or - for those clowns who use such a phrase - the product of football?

The answer to that is an absolute no.

A poacher's finish from the lad and a fine celebration to boot.

Now Mesut Ozil's politics are not perfect - see Recep Tayyip Erdogan as his best man - but he used his platform to raise awareness of the plight of Uighurs in China.

Amnesty International has described the situation in the Xinjiang region as follows: "a campaign of mass internment, intrusive surveillance, political indoctrination and forced cultural assimilation against the region’s Uighurs, Kazakhs and other predominantly Muslim ethnic groups."

This is a humanitarian issue, and all credit to him for taking a stance, and using his platform to shine a light on the situation.

Therefore...

Their callow statement on Ozil's social posts from Arsenal was inevitable but that made it no less callow, depressing or worrying.

Here it is:

This is not a tirade at Arsenal more the state of society. Money rules, and so if any player at any club had passed the above comment then that club would have released a similarly callow, subservient and depressing statement as they have to protect those revenue streams.

Chris Waddle turned even older this weekend. Here he is, less old, scoring the greatest six-a-side goal of all time.

He may have been a poorer version of Waddle but Diego Maradona had his moments.

It is the derby that no one has been waiting for: yup, Brighton and Hove Albion against Crystal Palace. The A23 Derby. Yup. It is on tonight. The Greatest League in the World, pal.

Also, in the mix is the last-16 draw of the Champions League draw. Otherwise now known as the Top Five Leagues Cup.