The Warm-Up: Football's coming back! Bundesliga at the ready

Long have we drifted. Weeks. Maybe months. No compass, no chart. No idea where we might be going, or when we might get there. The Warm-Up is not afraid to admit that, at times, as the sun beat down and torpor took hold, we have begun to lose faith that we might ever see football, blessed football, again. That—

“Football ahoy!”

Oh sweet.

So the first of Europe’s professional leagues to return from their covid-19 suspension will be the Bundesliga and 2.Bundesliga, which could be back as soon as May 15, just eight (8!) short days from now. Of course, this will be a strange, unsettling Bundesliga, played out in empty stadiums, with none of the much admired and envied noise pouring down from the fans.

But still. Professional footballers playing football professionally. Hope they haven’t forgotten the rules.

This return is only possible because Germany has admirable depth in testing capacity, which apparently means that they won’t have to mess around with full-squad isolation or neutral venues. Even if Salomon Kalou does insist on wandering around shaking hands when he really shouldn’t be.

And just think what we’ll get back along with it. All those glorious, meaningless conversations. Hope we haven’t forgotten the rules of those. The Warm-Up’s going to have a little practice next time we get out for our state-mandated walk. Accuse a pigeon of diving. Berate a hedge for a foul throw. Ask a bus stop who they fancy for the title this year, and agree that Bayern Munich look pretty strong.

Ah, it’s all coming back …

There will presumably be many lessons for the rest of the world from Germany’s restart, but ahead of the Premier League’s big meeting next week it doesn’t sound like English football, if and when it returns, will be following quite the same model.

Circumstances are different. To take just one example, the UK cannot for the moment get close to Germany’s levels of testing, even if the government adjust the figures to include every test that might ever be sent out in any possible universe.

Which means neutral grounds are looking likely. Necessary, even: according to Richard Bevan, chief executive of the League Managers Association, if the clubs don’t agree to ditch their home and away games then the season might yet end up cancelled.

There’s an interesting balance to be struck here. One of the stated aims of football’s return is to improve the nation’s morale by indicating a return to normality. Yet it’s already an open question just how normal a game played out in front of an empty stadium is going to be. Now, make it the wrong empty stadium.

Perhaps there’s a lesson from video game animation here. To strive for lifelikeness, and miss by just a little bit, is to fall into the “uncanny valley”, where things look more alien because they’re so almost-correct. Whereas stylised or cartoonish graphics don’t have that problem because they’re not trying to look real. Just interesting.

Yes, this is an argument for bringing football back with any and all of the following: massive heads, flaming balls, Sensible Soccer aftertouch, and blue shells for the losers. If we can’t have a proper Premier League, give us the most improper Premier League you can manage.

Finally, since football’s coming back, let’s dig into a lovely fresh transfer rumour. Well, quite an old one. But it’s still good! Leroy Sané to Bayern Munich. Will they, won’t they? Well …

The German press says that the player wants to go AND it sounds like Bayern and Sané have agreed terms BUT the English press reckons City are laughing at any bid that doesn’t meet their high standards AND if they don’t get one, then they’ll just let Sané run down his contract, which ends in 2021. Oh. Maybe there’s no transfer here at all. Dammit.

Might be a blessing in disguise for Sané. It’s not like moving to Bayern Munich is ever really a bad idea, assuming a player’s good enough. But football could well be a very different place come next summer, and who knows if something better might come along. Best to keep your options open in a crisis, we reckon.

See, the Bundesliga gets it. Avoid the uncanny valley by going weird, going cute. Here’s Borussia Mönchengladbach filling the stands with cardboard cut-outs ahead of the big return. And apparently the scheme’s open to everyone, so if you’re feeling like you want to put your two dimensional self out there, have at it.

Here’s Suzanne Wrack in the Guardian taking stock of the prospects for women’s professional football in England post-coronavirus lockdown. It’s not all existential despair!

24 years ago today, Steaua Bucharest travelled to Seville to take on Barcelona in the European Cup final. And they did so in classic underdog style, defending stoutly for two solid hours and then taking the occasion on penalties. So forget the game and enjoy the shootout, as Helmuth Duckadam becomes the first goalkeeper in history to save every kick he faces.