The Warm-Up: The diary of Philip Anthony Jones

12 septmember 1999: mum is annoyd with me. dont know why realy. we were having afters – angel delight, the absolute bestest – and i went to go and get some more cherryade and yes i kind of did nock over the welsh dresser and smash some crockeree but it could of happened to anyone and its not fair shes mad.

11 June 2003: Funny day at school. Smithy was riding his bike along the wall by the bus stop and Kate and Emma were watching. I was doing this dance with my arms and suddenly Smithy was on the floor, all tangled with wheels and chains and handlebars. He had to go to hospital eventually but it was pretty funny.

29 October 2005: Accidentally ran over Fluffy with my scooter. 🙁

2 February 2006: John had his birthday party today but I couldn’t go. It was at the bowling ally in Preston and I’m still banned after the ‘incident’. (Their words, not mine.)

22 September 2009: MADE MY BLACKBURN DEBUT. So proud. Mum and dad cried in the evening when I came home. Especially when I dropped the special watch they gave me. It has my name engraved in it and everything. Sorry: had.

[Diary selections redacted for brevity]

Oh, you wanted actual details of the game? Sorry, let me just… emerge… from this… rabbit hole… OK. Manchester United lost 2-1 to Valencia, missing the chance to top their group after Juventus were surprisingly overturned by Young Boys (Young Boys, Old Lady; you can fill in the gaps on that joke).

“I expect more from my players, especially players that week in, week out, they ask why they don’t play, why they don’t start,” said Jose Mourinho, his Paul Pogba voodoo doll just out of shot.

Elsewhere, Manchester City polished off their group with a 2-1 win over Hoffenheim (Leroy Sane’s free-kick: WOOF), Real Madrid managed to lose 3-0 at home to CSKA Moscow, and Lyon snuck into the last 16 courtesy of a draw with Shakhtar Donetsk.

Oh, and Thomas Muller produced the challenge of the year – heck, the challenge of the decade – as Ajax and Bayern Munich shared six goals in Amsterdam.

The Warm-Up loves a snazzy new logo, especially when it comes from left field. To Brazil, then, where the club formerly known as Atletico Paranaense have chucked an H into their name AND adopted a superb new badge. It’s half superhero, half metal band: a good thing, in case you were wondering.

(Oh, and they celebrated by winning the Copa Sudamericana last night. Congratulathions!)

On this day in 1981 (ignore the title of the video; it was the 13th, not the 12th), Flamengo dismantled Liverpool in the Intercontinental Cup. The Reds had conquered Europe earlier in the year, but could not cope with the Brazilians, with Zico’s hat-trick of assists winning him the man-of-the-match award.

That’s Michael Cox on the further improvements we can expect to see at Chelsea over the next few months. And you should also read John Barnes on racism in football.

What has been your favourite moment of the Europa League group stage so far? There was that good goal, wasn’t there? Oh, and what about that game? You know, the one with the comeback and the drama. Really memorable.

What’s that? The group stage ends tonight? Oh, thank God. Vidi vs Chelsea, Arsenal vs Qarabag, Rapid Vienna vs Rangers, Celtic vs RB Salzburg… and then we shall speak no more of this.