The Warm-Up: Blade Gunner 2049 - A Star Wars Story

ByJack Lang

Updated 02/03/2018 at 10:20 GMT

Jack Lang gets his science fiction on and revels in Martin Keown's radio ravings..

Arsene Wenger.

Image credit: Eurosport

FRIDAY’S BIG STORIES

Like tears in rain

2049, Neo-London.

Premier League

Origi signs new Liverpool deal

10/07/2019 at 17:25

Productivity in the People’s Republic of Britannia grinds to a halt for a couple of hours as Arsenal and Manchester City play the 1300th game of their never-ending series of matches. Fans across the land set their in-eye VR tuners to pick up the signal, select ‘beer’ on their intravenous consumption modules and hunker down for the game.

Will this be the one? Arsenal made big incursions into the transfer market during the last nuclear winter and there is word of a new positivity in the camp. Maybe the downtrodden zero-hours techno plebs of the capital will have something to cheer after all these years. Perhaps the years of hurt are over.

Arsenal traipse off.

Image credit: Eurosport

The years of hurt are not over. City, inspired by a dead-eyed digital approximation of a young Leroy Sané – still annoyingly spritely despite being 90% wires and circuitboards – cut through the Gunners defence like they always do. They win 3-0, again, taking their record since 25 February 2018 – The Day the Fixture Computer Became Sentient – to W1300 D0 L0.

With the aggregate score now starting to look a little lop-sided at 3900-0, Arsenal fans show their frustration. By the time the final whistle sounds, only 6% of the 190,000 virtual seats at the New Emirates are occupied. (The official attendance is of course a respectable 189,342.) The camera zooms in on exasperated avatars in the stands, then to the home bench, to pick out the face of the manager responsible for all of this.

Arsene Wenger grimaces. This run really is threatening to take the shine off his legacy at the club.

Arsene Wenger leaves the pitch

Image credit: Reuters

Home and a Ney

It wouldn’t be a World Cup year without some metatarsal-related almost-drama smouldering away in the background, and so The Warm-Up sends hearty thanks to Neymar for taking one for the team and volunteering to be the 2018 Wayne Rooney – surely the role he was born to play.

The forward, who went over on his ankle against Marseille last week, will undergo surgery in his homeland tomorrow after scans revealed an “important fracture” in his foot. And with Brazil’s team doctor predicting a lay-off of up to three months, it’s not just Paris Saint-Germain who are cursing their luck; the Seleção’s preparations for Russia could also be disrupted.

Paris Saint-Germain's Brazilian defender Thiago Silva (up) speaks to Paris Saint-Germain's Brazilian forward Neymar Jr lying on the pitch during the French L1 football match between Paris Saint-Germain (PSG) and Marseille (OM) at the Parc des Princes in P

Image credit: Getty Images

Ney himself opted for a Kurt-Cobain-esque wheelchair on his way to Belo Horizonte for his operation, but has been in defiant mood on social media. “If you come across a wall, don’t give up,” he wrote. “Find out how to climb it.”

Profound stuff, and there’s probably a lesson there for Unai Emery ahead of PSG’s grandstand clash against Real Madrid next week. Neymar will be a big miss in that one, but – who knows? – there might also be a reaction from some of the players whose noses have been supposedly put out of joint by the former Barcelona star in recent months. Smells like team spirit, or something.

Lionesses roar

Another team putting in a dominant performance last night: England women, who dismantled France in the SheBelieves Cup. The Lionesses were 3-0 up within 40 minutes in Ohio and cruised through the second half, giving Phil Neville a winning start to his stewardship.

IN OTHER NEWS

Arsenal v Manchester City wasn’t even the biggest clash of the evening. That honour went to a bizarrely terse exchange of words between Martin Keown and Sun journalist Neil Ashton, on BBC radio before kick-off. Here’s the transcript of the business end of the conversation – and no, this isn’t made-up.

Ashton: “So many people want change here, but everybody still believes this dream. Martin almost believes in the dream that somehow, Wenger’s going to pull it out of the bag.”

Keown: “Who’s saying that, Neil? Listen… have you been drinking tonight? You’ve come in here, shouting the odds (?) about other people. Listen, do it with some rationality, yeah?”

Ashton: “Some rationality? Go on…”

Keown: “Yeah, maybe.

Arsene Wenger, Martin Keown

Image credit: Getty Images

Ashton: “Go on…”

Keown: “You didn’t last long working for Sky, did you? Maybe you should be presenting programmes. Do you know what you want to do on this show?”

Ashton: “I do work for Sky.”

(Brief pacificatory intervention from presenter Jonathan Overend)

Keown: “He’s linking me with Arsene Wenger, saying that I’m a massive Arsene Wenger fan. Of course I have been; we’ve won many things on the pitch. But that moment of Wenger ending is getting ever nearer.”

Ashton: “But the point…”

Keown: “But some of us show some respect and some dignity, and maybe you should do the same.”

Miaow.

Former Arsenal defender Martin Keown

Image credit: PA Sport

RETRO CORNER

Ryan Giggs made his debut for Manchester United 27 years ago today. To mark the occasion, drink in the chronic awkwardness of this mid-90s skills masterclass – an artefact actually owned on VHS by The Warm-Up.

(Well, unless mum and dad threw it away in the move… *frantically rings home*)

HEROES AND ZEROES

Hero: Martin Tyler

He was probably very, very cold at the Emirates, but Tyler’s mind was evidently warm enough to deliver the cruelest, most subtle verbal dagger of the evening.

Gary Neville, Thierry Henry and Jamie Carragher all laid into Arsenal’s performance, but Tyler’s lovely little line at full-time – “Credit to Arsenal goes for staging the game” – was gloriously succinct and all the more damning for it.

Zero: Granit Xhaka

There are pictures of mediocrity and then there’s Xhaka, who ran more than any other Arsenal player yet somehow rarely seemed to be in the same postcode as the ball, enthusiastically applauding Laurent Koscielny for clobbering a simple 20-yard pass over his head and out for a throw.

The camera cut to Koscielny, who shook his head – probably in anger at himself, but also, surely, in deepest horror at the patent lack of standards at his football club.

Xhaka came up against Mkhitaryan as Arsenal beat United last season.

Image credit: PA Sport

HAT TIP

But then one Halmstad player scored a penalty, another scored the goal of his life, and the game was over. Helsingborg were relegated. Masked men surged the pitch launching corner flags and debris like spears, flares fizzling in mini fire pits on the turf. Jordan was surrounded and attacked, the shirt ripped from his back. Henrik faced them, bouncing on his toes, fists raised ready to fight, until he was finally led away. Three days later he left his home-town club, and Jordan soon followed.

It’s a couple of days old, but it’s worth checking out this interview with Henrik Larsson, who goes over his dramatic Helsingborg exit and a few career highlights.

Henrik Larsson's Helsingborg were relegated

Image credit: PA Sport

COMING UP

The Warm-Up hopes the hairdryers of Teesside are all working, because Middlesbrough v Leeds (7.45pm) will have ‘match abandoned’ written all over it otherwise. And if you want something a little more continental, there’s Monaco v Bordeaux, which is also is far more likely to go ahead.

Adam Hurrey will be back on Monday to talk you through Man City 6-5 Chelsea and other unavoidable thrillers from the weekend.

Premier League

Mourinho opposed to Newcastle role – ‘I have to play to win’

26/06/2019 at 08:30

Premier League

Herrera, Sturridge, Llorente head Premier League players released

09/06/2019 at 10:06

Premier League

VOTE: Are Man City the best Premier League side ever?

20/05/2019 at 15:24

Join 3M+ users on app

Stay up to date with the latest news, results and live sports

Download

Scan me