The Warm-Up: Chelsea want to sign Peter Crouch!
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Updated 19/01/2018 at 09:00 GMT
You've got to love a good January transfer rumour, and this morning we have one of the very best.
Peter Crouch of Stoke City arrives prior to the Premier League match between Huddersfield Town and Stoke City
Image credit: Getty Images
FRIDAY’S BIG HEADLINES
Peter Crouch to Chelsea (!!!)
The transfer window took a turn last night which couldn’t have been more surreal had Salvador Dali designed a special yellow breaking news bar for Sky Sports News. Probably with some elephants on stilts marching across it and the melting face of Jim White hanging off the corner. Anyway, if you loved ‘Andy Carroll to Chelsea’ then you’ll *love* this.
Yes, according to the Telegraph and The Mirror, amongst others this morning, Chelsea couldn’t get enough of going after one tall English striker who doesn’t really score that many goals and are going back for another hit. Peter Crouch is, unbelievably, the man in question.
Crouch, now 37, has apparently been identified as a short-term candidate to come in and solve Chelsea’s goal drought. All Chelsea need to do is convince Stoke they aren’t joking and then come to an acceptable deal.
The Warm-Up has spent years being reassured that size isn’t everything and now Chelsea go and blow that myth out of the water. Size is literally everything. Are you over 6ft 5in? Once scored in a Sunday league game? Get yourself down to Cobham. Antonio will supply the boots.
Okay, that’s very unfair on Crouch, who remains highly effective at what he does. It’s just a bit surprising that a club of Chelsea’s size are having to go in for a 37-year-old who has looked more like a social media influencer than a Premier League footballer in recent years. And one they basically traduced on Twitter a few years ago. You know how there's a Donald Trump tweet from the archives which contradicts every position he takes on anything? Well...
Still, there’s a very ‘Rickie Lambert to Liverpool’ vibe about this deal, doubly so as Crouch was a childhood Chelsea fan who, according to the Telegraph, attended the 1994 FA Cup final and was a regular ball boy at Stamford Bridge. if it doesn't happen, there's always Mick Harford.
FIFA trying their best to stop Crouch deal
Speaking of Chelsea’s pursuit of Crouch, if it all reeks of desperation then maybe it’s because the club look likely to be hit by a FIFA transfer ban at some point soon.
Chelsea are the first English club to be fingered by FIFA for alleged rule breaking over the signing of young players. Barcelona, Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid have all served bans as a result of similar investigations. The Guardian reports this morning:
Chelsea have been accused, after an initial FIFA investigation, of breaking the rules on the signing of 25 foreign players under the age of 18. The number of cases could rise, with the matter now in the hands of the governing body’s disciplinary committee, which has the power to impose sanctions – chief among them a ban on transfers. FIFA announced last September that it was looking into alleged breaches at Chelsea when it came to the recruitment of youth players from overseas – making them the first English club to face such action.
The starting point for FIFA seems to be the fact that Bertrand Traore was pictured playing for Chelsea before his 18th birthday, and given the scale of the alleged rule-breaking it may be rather harder to avoid punishment than when they settled with Lens in 2010 to get around a two-window ban imposed as a result of their recruitment of Gael Kakuta.
Chelsea will no doubt fight FIFA hard on this. But for their own good maybe they should get a ban in place quickly. Say this afternoon?
Real Madrid struggle again
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Marco Asensio (Real Madrid) contre Leganes en Copa del Rey
Image credit: Getty Images
A late winner in a cup quarter-final is usually something to be celebrated but set against the context of Real Madrid’s awful season, Marco Asensio’s 89th-minute strike to claim a 1-0 win over Leganes in the first leg of the Copa del Rey quarter-final isn’t a great deal to shout about.
Madrid put out a decidedly second-string side but one shot through with youthful endeavour and no little ability. If Zidane can’t get a performance from anywhere within his squad, then things are looking truly bleak. It’s worth recalling that Madrid are fourth at the moment: 19 points behind Barcelona, 10 behind Atletico and even eight behind Valencia. Villarreal are just a point away from knocking them out of the Champions League places.
This is the first prolonged and potentially fatal crisis of Zinedine Zidane’s managerial career. Not many would survive it.
IN OTHER NEWS
According to reports this morning, Manchester United hope to get the Alexis Sanchez deal done in time for him to make his debut against Burnley on Saturday; which is to say, by noon today so he makes the registration deadline. It turns out the Adidas store aren’t even waiting for that bit of admin...
Oh, and the weirdest thread on Twitter has been found. Take it away, Sean Dyche... (read until the end)
HAT TIP
This is not really about Martin Tyler, or commentators in general, or even Liverpool and City in anything other than the profile and size of the clubs. It is about those who are polluting footballing culture. It reflects society and the Trumpification of it in an age when there has never been more information, more facts, more footage, more articles, more opinions and yet some pay no attention to the vast majority of it and follow those who tap into a self-pitying willingness to believe wider forces are conspiring against them and their club, whoever it may be. It is about the irresponsible, influential extremists leading the case for the persecution, about conspiracy theorists who are legitimising ludicrous standpoints.
Be good to yourself this Friday morning and read the great Richard Jolly on the Trumpification of football coverage and the ludicrous promoters of media 'agendas' against various teams.
RETRO CORNER
June 2006. England have amassed the Golden Generation ahead of the World Cup in Germany and the summer seems pregnant with potential. No more so than when Jamaica come to Old Trafford and none other than Peter Crouch scores a hat-trick. The robot celebration is born, and there’s even room for a ridiculous Panenka which floats over the bar. Halcyon days.
COMING UP
It’s the usual parade of quite decent games but never the best of the weekend in the various European leagues: Hertha Berlin v Dortmund; Caen v Marseille; and Getafe v Athletic Bilbao can all be found if you keep scrolling past the news channels and stop just before the naughty stuff.
Adam Hurrey didn't pass Antonio Conte's height test so he'll have to make do with a move to Arsenal. He's on Monday Warm-Up duty nonethless.
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