Jose Mourinho's mess: Manchester United don’t need new players, they need a new manager

No news is bad news. At Manchester United, it appears to be the only news. The poor pigeon that was swallowed by a boa constrictor on a London street over the weekend apparently stood more of a chance than Manchester United if you listen to Jose Mourinho.

Unlike the snake, it is difficult to swallow his mournful musings. Mourinho has suddenly become a harbinger of doom rather than a coach during the close season despite little of interest happening at Manchester United that would prompt unnecessary panic.

The management style of David Moyes and Louis van Gaal must feel like the days of wine and roses compared to the pessimism currently gripping Old Trafford due to the Portuguese martinet’s haggard pre-campaign mutterings.

Mourinho has always found moaning easy when it comes to his perception of how he has been put upon. It is never his fault.

It appears far easier than attempting to produce a side constructed for winning, entertaining football in a manner that befits his job description.

Which should have been his sole remit when he walked through the front doors at United’s Carrington training complex two years ago claiming "United is a club you need to be prepared for, because they are what I call a giant club and giant clubs need the best managers."

Even by his own self-indulgent standards, this pre-season has been something a bit special from the Special One.

For some reason, Mourinho is pleading poverty on the cusp of the new season despite having more resource available to him than the Kardashians. Theresa May’s handling of Brexit provokes more optimism than Mourinho managing United.

A 1-0 defeat to Bayern Munich in a friendly on Sunday sees the malady linger on. His side did not manage a shot at goal which makes you wonder what they are being asked to do by the coach, but let us not discuss such trivialities.

"My CEO knows what I want and I still have a few days to wait and see what happens," Mourinho said on the club TV channel.

It is fake news to suggest United have not invested in a coach chief executive Ed Woodward described as "the best manager in the game today" when he was recruited to the elevated post amid the obvious doubts of men such as Sir Bobby Charlton.

Poor me, poor Mou, pour me another drink. Mourinho has unearthed £392.5 million over the past two seasons with £85.3m being recouped on sales. Only Manchester City have uncorked more cash in the Premier League under Pep Guardiola with a net spend of £388m.

Yet there is a vast difference in what brought Pep has brought to City. If value for money is sought, it can be witnessed in the champagne style of football City play. It was there in every nook and cranny of their swashbuckling 2-0 win in the Community Shield on Sunday that left Chelsea with whiplash.

There is more than a 19-point gap that split City and United from first and second last season. There is a philosophy, a strategy and an outlook that United used to enjoy under Sir Alex Ferguson that has been lost since they last lifted the Premier League five years ago. The wretched exit in the Champions League last 16 to Sevilla in March saw the Theatre of Dreams become a torture chamber of despair.

When United lost a wretched FA Cup final to a 1-0 Chelsea side in May who had largely given up the ghost under Antonio Conte, the away end had vacated Wembley with more speed than Silverstone.

Can such a divisive figure really become the man to unite United? To offer him more money is like handing Dracula the keys to the blood bank. He will suck the club dry with such a bloodless vision. There is no certainty of any return, and probably more chance of it being burned on the bonfire of Mourinho’s vanity.

Fred was purchased from Shakhtar Donetsk for £53m, Portuguese defender Diogo Dalot arrived from Porto for £19m and third-choice goalkeeper Lee Grant was bought from Stoke City for £1.5m. How much more does Mourinho need? Signing Harry Maguire for an absurd £80m is the final indictment of policy on the hoof contrived from watching the World Cup in your local.

If one was being cynical, Mourinho could be accused of trying to work his ticket. History suggests he never lasts more than three years. When the going gets tough, Mourinho tends to get going.

Over the past 18 years, at clubs such as Porto, Chelsea twice, Internazionale and Real Madrid, where he has won multiple Champions Leagues and national titles, Mourinho has lasted at best three years. He is a short-term fix for a long-term need.

United have yet to replace Fergie, and Mourinho is merely the latest coach to come up short. Winning the Europa League and League Cup are not the garlands of choice. United should do him a favour, and offer him an easy way out. If Mourinho does not feel energised to work with what he has, there are better coaches out there who can.

Would Zinedine Zidane extract more from Paul Pogba than Mourinho? Absolutely. Would Zidane motivate Anthony Martial more than Mourinho? Most definitely. The France forward Martial has gone AWOL amid the arrival of his new baby which tells you the respect he has for the manager.

“He has the baby & after the baby is born - beautiful baby, full of health, thank god - he should be here and he is not here," said Mourinho.

Mourinho has not moved with the times from the dour outlook that worked best a decade ago, and he has become a figure who would rather avoid defeat than risk it all in attack. Would any of Mourinho’s players go into the trenches for a manager who refuses to let players express themselves in the tradition of Giggs and Best?

Paul Pogba will return to Old Trafford a World Cup winner, but there remains more of a feeling than Mourinho does not know how to humour a figure with a bigger ego than his own. Which is a problem. Man managing such figures requires dexterity, care and attention. Not the introspective and self-serving sensation that the manager sees him as just another workhorse.

"I don’t think it’s about us getting the best out of him. It’s about him giving the best he has to give," said Mourinho.

United missed a trick when they did not appoint Guardiola or Jurgen Klopp to maintain the traditions of the club built by Fergie. Mourinho’s tactics and returns have been mediocre at best over the past two seasons. His best work was carried out in different times. His conduct is a nonsense that should prompt serious concerns in the boardroom.

United need a proper coach with ambition and style. Not a cheque book manager willing and ready to squander new money.