Football news - The Warm-Up: Manchester United are indeed f*****

Type Manchester United and Alan Shearer into Twitter, and a stream of videos will come up appearing to show Alan Shearer saying that United are f*****. The Warm-Up actually lolled upon first watch of said clip. LAUGHED OUT LOUD. Here is the offending clip. For those of a sensitive disposition there is a swear word written in the Queen’s English in that tweet. It purports to be quoting Shearer.

However, here is a longer version of the clip:

It appears that Shearer stumbled over his words, and in attempting to say: “Manchester City are far, far ahead of Manchester United” he actually coughed out “Manchester United are fu….”. Now, some nifty editing from a devilish scoundrel has thrown Al under the proverbial bus.

To be fair, it doesn’t matter whether Shearer said it because whether he said it or not Manchester United are well and truly f*****. They are a complete and utter rampaging shambles – take, for example, this stat:

Somehow, they are rocking a positive goal difference. That is, however, quite literally the only positive in what has been a diabolical start to the season. They can’t defend, they can’t create, and they can’t score: in other words, Manchester United effectively can’t play football. They just lost to Newcastle, who by any measure are dire at football. Now, this would be forgivable if they weren’t literally the second richest club in the world. Surely that sort of wealth should insulate a club of United’s stature from the embarrassment that Ed Woodward has careered them into.

Make no bones about it - that is where this sham stems from: the top. However, the solution is easy: employ a director of football. Owning a football club without a director of football is kind of like owning a bus without employing a bus driver – not going to end well that.

Next up for United in the league? Liverpool. Yup, United truly are f*****.

It was a bad day for the City of Manchester on Sunday as Pep Guardiola’s City were put to the sword by Wolves, thereby confirming the Premier League’s descent into a one-team farmers league.

The Warm-Up doesn’t make the rules, it only enforces them and any league that allows a team – as Liverpool have – to open up an eight-point lead after just eight games is the epitome of a farmers league (there should definitely be an apostrophe in there somewhere).

The Premier League’s descent into a farmers league can, of course, be traced back to Pep Guardiola’s arrival and subsequent league win, as that fraud can only win at the farmers-league level. His only victory of any substance was the Champions League – twice - and, let’s be honest, he has done nothing of note without Lionel Messi.

The Warm-Up is just joshing – Pep is a generational manager, so what Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool are doing is phenomenal. To sustain such excellence post their Champions League win and having lost a key performer in the shape of Alisson Becker is all the more impressive. Now just don't bottle it.

Chelsea must be a joy to follow at the moment; they have a likable manager, play attacking football and have some of the best youngsters in the world coming through their ranks. Fikayo Tomori, Mason Mount and Tammy Abraham have been class this season but the best may yet be to come with Ruben Loftus-Cheek and Callum Hudson-Odoi nearing full fitness.

Therefore, if FIFA actually want to punish their indiscretions with regards to the signing of foreign under-18 players then they need to sack off that ban right away.

Tottenham are awful at football.

Priorities in life are key.

Ousmane Dembele...

From this:

To this:

Dope.

Ah, the halcyon days of yesteryear. It is 18 years. 18 years. Since David Beckham single-handedly took England to the World Cup with a superlative performance against Greece.

Nick Miller will be here on Tuesday when Manchester United will still be absolutely horrible at football.