We know you’re awful. That you want Marco Silva gone. That the quickest way to getting a new manager is to sink a little lower.
But please, for the sake of the Premier League, stop Liverpool in the Merseyside derby tonight.
After Jesus scored against Pope on Tuesday night, we’re prepared to give prayer another chance. Not for serious bits like poverty or climate change, but for Liverpool to implode and give us a title race to distract from our mundane existence.
Manchester City have chiselled the gap to eight points following The Rodrigo Show on Amazon Prime, while Leicester City are making us dream of Bocelli at King Power II. But it matters little unless Liverpool stop winning every flipping match.
Basically, we’re asking Everton for a favour. To encourage their neighbours to do what comes most naturally to them – throwing the league away. The visitors may be garbage currently, but they have a competent squad quite capable of stalling a Liverpool side that is not as superior as 40 points from 42 would suggest.
OK, so the last time Everton won the derby, David Ngog came off the bench, Prince William had an acceptable haircut and Osama Bin Laden was keeping hush in Pakistan. But we’re hoping the prospect of David Moyes being a fancied contender for the soon-to-be-vacant Goodison Park hotseat is enough to inspire a performance. Up the Toffees!
'The title race is over, it's done' - Guardiola
Wenger’s back at Arsenal
Thought you would never again see Arsene Wenger struggling with his coat zip on the Emirates touchline? It might happen again – and soon – after the Frenchman offered to help interim Arsenal boss Freddie Ljungberg settle into management…
“Freddie?” It’s Arsene.”
“Boss! I was actually going to call you to—”
“No need. I’m boarding a Eurostar back to London right now.”
“I am returning to London. To help you—”
“Arsene… I just wanted a quick chat.”
“I’ll see you inside the changing room before kick-off. Don’t worry, I’ll get the lads ready – just turn up when you can.”
“Great, see you Thursday.”
Ljungberg – ‘The way to change the atmosphere at Arsenal is to play better football’
For a few months, Ronaldo crawls across the field. You should have the humility to understand that, at a certain age, rest is more important than playing.
That’s the brutal assessment of Cristiano Ronaldo from former Italian footballer Nicola Amoruso, who played for Juve on-and-off between 1996 and 2002. The Portuguese ace scored (a penalty) as Juventus drew 2-2 with lowly Sassuolo to slip off top spot in Serie A on Sunday, but has drawn plenty of criticism this season.
HEROES AND ZEROES
Amazon had a Premier League debut to remember after revolutionising the viewing experience on Tuesday night, with their first two matches giving viewers the options for:
A glorious no-commentary option
Plus, they stepped in to save Manchester City from total darkness:
Amazon had a Premier League debut to forget after glitches marred their first step into the world of live football:
Plus, the fourth City goal has only just gone in on our stream…
IN THE CHANNELS
Before the light fiasco was fixed, City had a little sing-along (yes, to that song, obviously):
Like any large corporation trying to monetise your love of football, Amazon is not doing this for love of the game. Football is the conduit, the glossy leafleting campaign, the free cheese samples, the sweets placed tantalisingly by the till. Would I like Amazon to provide a more reliable stream and some more incisive analysis? Yes. But on balance, I think I’d probably rather it just paid more tax.
Jonathan Liew with a far more eloquent review of Amazon’s first foray into the Premier League for the Guardian.
How have we gone a whole Warm-Up without talking about Jose Mourinho’s return to Old Trafford? That’s happening tonight, at a palatable 19:30 GMT, before Liverpool face Everton in that Merseyside Derby (come on you Toffees, remember?!) at a sleep-disruptive 20:15.
Andi Thomas is planning to go to bed at half-time of Liverpool v Everton in protest at the start time – so head here tomorrow for his first-half analysis tomorrow.