Tottenham transfer news - WTF is happening at Spurs?!

Audience participation time! Hands up who had a piggy bank as a kid? Remember popping in 20p here, 50p there? It seemed pointless until you smashed it open and a flow of coins suddenly swept your lap, making your dreams – the Warm-Up’s was an inflatable sofa – possible.

Daniel Levy knows the feeling. The Spurs chairman cracked his open on Tuesday evening to discover he had enough for a stadium, three major signings and an annual subscription to the Eurosport Player (just £39.99 a year, FYI). Paulo Dybala is arriving from Juventus, Giovanni Lo Celso is arriving from Betis, Philippe Coutinho is arriving from Barcelona.

Add to these sensational developments the likely capture of Ryan Sessegnon from Fulham, and possibly even Bruno Fernandes from Sporting, and one thing is clear: Tottenham are not just going to win the Premier League, they are going to relegate the other 19 teams through shame.

Honestly, is there a better starting XI in Europe than: Lloris; Foyth, Alderweireld, Vertonghen, Sessegnon 2.0; Ndombele, Winks; Coutinho, Lo Celso, Dybala; Kane? When the camera pans to the bench at the 60-minute mark, no longer will we see a smattering of unknown E-FIT criminal lookalikes. Instead, players who can actually change a game, the likes of Moussa Sissoko, Son Heung-min, Dele Alli, Erik Lamela, will be stationed in place of Oliver Skipp and company. Maybe even Christian Eriksen, if he screws on his head and realises that moving to Manchester United would be an utter catastrophe.

It's all great fun. However, we should probably acknowledge how this ends:

How Arsenal fans remain positive is beyond us. They refuse to skip pre-roll adverts to boost the club’s transfer kitty – a transfer kitty otherwise consisting of newspaper cut-out coupons – and back a midfielder who swapped the superpower of assists for invisibility.

AND THEN THEIR CAPTAIN LEAVES AND DOES THIS:

It’s obviously hilarious but what an absolute chop. A man who has had more injuries than most clubs get in a decade, who was the headline act in the club’s League Cup final disaster against Birmingham City, has the cheek to do this?

Still, without any proper defenders – until the defender we’ve all pretended to see, William Saliba, arrives from Saint-Etienne next summer – Arsenal are going to be proper entertainment next season. The juxtaposition of a Pepe-Lacazette-Aubameyang triumvirate silkily combining in attack and Shkodran Mustafi creating more viral content is going to be glorious.

It’s worth noting that Unai Emery is hoping to sign Daniele Rugani from Juventus to ease the Mustafi pain, an Italian defender with all the required nous to bring the Premier League trophy to the Emirates.

Oh.

The Warm-Up once popped into a pub on the fringes of Derby station with a potential Mrs Warm-Up (sadly, it didn’t work out). You know when the music suddenly stops, when every head turns your way, when your objective changes from enjoying a casual tipple to escaping with your life? Yeah, that happened.

Should we judge an entire city on one incident from a decade ago? No, but it does seem incredible that anyone would want to swap life in Washington, D.C. for Derby.

But credit to Wayne Rooney. He’s made a decision for his family and is taking a sensible route towards football management in his upcoming role as player-coach at the Championship club, rather than waiting for a concerned owner to go down a list of white ex-footballers and giving him a shot at the main gig.

Good luck to him and Derby (…just make your pubs more welcoming, yeah?)

Coming to a commercial break near you soon:

Yes, they really do a boating tour of Konnos Bay. Oh, you wanted more about Puncheon? Pafos FC have confirmed the 33-year-old’s arrival on a free transfer from Crystal Palace, labelling him the “greatest transfer in their history”. Wow.

Zero doesn’t do this justice.

Young Chelsea players were abused by a "prolific and manipulative sexual abuser" during the 1970s. Ex-chief scout Eddie Heath, who died in 1983, went “unchallenged” as he targeted and abused vulnerable young boys between 10 and 17. A damning 252-page report, featuring evidence from 23 witnesses, also criticises former assistant manager Dario Gradi, who is accused of trying to smooth over the allegations.

Chelsea have apologised "unreservedly". This breakdown by BBC Sport is bleak, but worth a moment of your time.

Haven’t seen a more unsatisfying ending since Bran was voted onto the throne:

All the top football writers (excluding us folk at the Warm-Up, of course) have vanished. No idea where they’ve gone. There’s no good content around – and certainly not from a new subscription service. So we’ll point you in the direction of some cartoons from the Guardian’s David Squires instead.

Celtic visit the simply-titled Fotbal Club CFR 1907 Cluj in Champions League qualifying, while the bubble bursts at Spurs at about midday. And there's some big transfer news in Warm-Up land: