Maybe Manchester United are allergic To Old Trafford - The Warm-Up
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Updated 02/11/2020 at 08:51 GMT
Another loss at home for Manchester United, another FA Cup win for City, and another goal for Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who is still ridiculous.
Dejected Man United midfielder Paul Pogpa after giving away the penalty during the Premier League match between Manchester United and Arsenal at Old Trafford
Image credit: Getty Images
MONDAY'S BIG STORIES
Manchester United Are Not A Serious Football Team
And do you know how you can tell? Serious football teams, proper football teams: each game speaks to the next. Good or bad, winning or losing, you can see why things are happening, what the plan is, where each performance has come from and where the next is going.
Manchester United, by contrast, are an infinite series of shrug emojis, stretching out to the horizon in both directions. What can this midweek hammering of RB Leipzig tell us about the weekend's game against Arsenal? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
In fairness, there are signs that Arsenal aren't quite the "lol, Arsenal" we know and love. They may have needed a dumb-as-hell challenge from Paul Pogba to generate a decent shooting chance, but they are well-organised, they defend in numbers, and they are exceedingly tough to break down.
And there's a lot of unseriousness about, in this compressed season and these peculiar circumstances. But even so, United manage to stand out for their sheer commitment to the bit. Sure, there's is a theme: United like to play on the break, and aren't great when asked to actually take charge of a football match. But that doesn't explain why every game, the same footballers look like completely different people.
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Will Rashford score a hat-trick or disappear entirely? Will Pogba look like the winner of a World Cup or a competition? Why and how is Fred?
United's best chance of an equaliser came via a deflection onto the opposition goalkeeper's face. That takes quite a special team. Join us on Wednesday when they win or lose 14-3 and we learn, once again, absolutely nothing.
Abide With Mewis
They had to work for it. Manchester City went into the women's FA Cup final as strong favourites and they came out of it with the cup. But some heroic defending from Everton and some excellent goalkeeping from Sandy MacIver drove them all the way to extra-time.
In the end, City's ludicrous weight of talent made the difference. Their league campaign hasn't had the best of starts, and they are five points behind Sunday's opponents Everton. But this was last season's FA Cup, rolled over thanks to the coronabreak, and so they were able to forget all that and just relax into things.
This all means that City now have a shot at the most important kind of sporting immortality: the life eternal that comes from pointless trivia. If they win this season's FA Cup they will become, as far as we can tell, the first side to win the FA Cup twice in one season. Given that they've won three of the last four, we won't be betting against them.
Zlatan, You've Done It Again
It's difficult to write about Zlatan Ibrahimovic without falling into the trap that he has set for us all: this carefully constructed cartoon world of lions and reheated Chuck Norris gags. But on the other hand, how else to talk about a 39-year-old scoring an overhead kick to keep AC Milan top of the table? If not a lion, the man is definitely a cartoon.
That's seven goals in four league games for his leonine majesty — no! stop it! — and a two-point gap at the top of the league for Milan, clear water between them and their nearest challengers … Sassuolo. Is that right? Wow. What is happening.
The Warm-Up, perhaps foolishly, had assumed that Ibrahimovic's move to MLS was the last act in his ridiculous career, after all those goals and snapped ligaments. Instead, it appears to have been a restorative experience. Off to California to find inner peace, then back to the big time to impose himself once again. And you know what they say: you're only as old as the midfield behind you.
Mine was a good goal but the victory counts more. We are among the youngest teams in Europe, I take the blame for raising the average age, but they all make me feel younger.
Although I think we can all agree that the real hero here was the referee, who was surely tempted to rule the goal out for dangerous play. But then, how could Zlatan ever get anything done? Danger is part of the lion's nature— no, help! Help! [the Warm-Up is dragged away screaming]
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IN OTHER NEWS
Unforeseen problems of the way we live now: the automatic camera deciding that it doesn't want to track the football, it wants to track the head of the referee's assistant. Which may not be quite what anybody paying £10 for a stream is after, but does result in a rather moving portrait of a computer helplessly in love with a linesman.
RETRO CORNER
We're a day after the occasion but hey, it was the weekend. Happy belated birthday to Leslie Mark Hughes, the most emphatic kicker of a football ever to move laces through leather. Minimal xG on some of these, we're guessing.
HAT TIP
Speaking of forwards that loved a spectacular volley, this interview with Marco van Basten, by the Observer's Donald McRae, is worth your time.
In 1994, in the middle of the night, Marco van Basten would often crawl from his bed to the bathroom. The pain in his damaged ankle was so bad that, to divert his attention, he would count the seconds it took him to cover the short but agonising distance. He remembers: "Whispering, I never reach the toilet before I get to 120. The door sills are the most challenging part because my ankle has to go over them without touching them. Even the slightest touch makes me bite my lip to prevent a scream."
COMING UP
Leeds United v Leicester City in the Premier League, which should be a belter. In one dugout, one of the game's great managerial minds: a maverick, an inspiration, a philosopher, a dreamer. In the other, Marcelo Bielsa.
Like Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Marcus Foley is not a lion. Unlike Zlatan Ibrahimovic, he will be here with The Warm-Up tomorrow.
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