The Warm-Up: Danish strike is the best thing about international break
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Updated 05/09/2018 at 06:58 GMT
Plus: Why the away goals rule is like the Queen, Robert Earnshaw’s cosmic musings, and fun sponge N’Golo Kante.
Denmark
Image credit: Eurosport
WEDNESDAY'S BIG STORIES
Danish pasting
Every now and then a strident right-wing talking head on US rolling news will take a pop at Denmark.
They will characterise it as a LIBERAL DYSTOPIA where nobody works, and the few that do are taxed 95% to fund hospitals made of solid gold and a free Volvo for every immigrant.
Well, the Warm-Up hates to imagine what Fox News will do with the news that these SOCIALIST FREAKS can’t even cobble together a proper national team.
The squad is striking in a dispute over players’ commercial rights – and to avoid punishment for failing to fulfil their fixtures, the SWIVEL-EYED MARXISTS have taken the potentially hilarious step of calling in a load of scrubs from off the street.
The team to face Slovakia tonight and Wales next week consists of all-uncapped players in the third tier and below, including four from futsal outfit Jaegersborg. This to replace BOLSHEVIK WINGNUTS like Christian Eriksen and Kasper Schmeichel, who won’t return unless they get six years of paternity leave on full pay and the right to personally euthanase anyone over the age of 60. Or something like that.
Anyway, for the replacements it’s the literal stuff of dreams – you know that one where you’re inserted into a situation you’re not remotely prepared for? – and on the upside it’s definitively the most interested we’ve ever been in a Slovakia v Denmark friendly.
Luke Shaw's injury agony
Unlike Denmark, the England squad is a little short of those rags-to-riches stories that normally pepper international break. No call-ups this times for guys who used to be bin men or work in a cracker factory.
So instead, let’s all wince at Luke Shaw recalling the broken leg that nearly ended his career.
No-one knows but I was really close to actually losing my leg. I never knew that until six months later when the doctor told me. At the time, they were thinking about flying me back and if I'd have flown back, I would probably have lost my leg because of the blood clots and stuff. I've got - I don't want to talk about it too much - two scars down the side of my leg where they had to cut it open and pull them out because of how severe it was.
UEFA to bin away goals rule?
UEFA are to “open a discussion” over the away goals rule after a delegation of top coaches and Jose Mourinho called for a review. The coaches’ rationale is that scoring away from home is no longer the challenge it once was, and should not be used to decide drawn ties.
The Warm-Up feels roughly the same about the away goals rule as it does about a monarchy. Yes, it’s outdated and unfair, and probably has no place in the modern world. But if you get rid, you’ll have to replace it with something else, and the Warm-Up just isn’t sure it has the energy for that.
If you bin off away goals, you either have a load more extra time and penalties (fine by us, but probably not the coaches who are calling for the change) or you have to find another, equally arbitrary, tie-breaker. If this ends up with that stupid idea where teams have a penalty shoot-out before kick-off, it will be much like abolishing the royal family and then electing Jeremy Kyle as head of state.
IN OTHER NEWS
Deep.
HEROES AND ZEROES
Heroes: Scotland women
Scotland have qualified for the World Cup for the first time after winning 2-1 away to Albania.
Zero: N’golo Kante
Not a fan of initiation songs, clearly.
HAT TIP
David Squires on the season so far – Theresa May as Petr Cech is worth the entry fee alone.
RETRO CORNER
Denmark’s team of guys off the street could be fun, but they’ll never touch the majesty of One Team In Tallinn.
COMING UP
Slovakia v Denmark is somehow a must-follow - we'll have abundant live scoring from 19:45.
Due to a dispute over image rights, Thursday's Warm-Up comes from the Danish futsal version of Jack Lang
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