The Warm-Up: Danny Welbeck stars in CSI: Emirates

“That’s the latest weather, and, just before the hour, we now go live to the frontlines of British footballer morality, where one Daniel Welbeck has caused a bit of a stir by falling over in north London last night.

“On the line is Neil Angles, professor of physics at the University of Westminster. Neil, thank you for joining us. Talk us through the incident from a scientific point of view.”

“Right. But you’ve since seen evidence that makes you question that early hypothesis, haven’t you?”

“Go on…”

“Professor Neil Angles, thank you.

“We’re now going to speak to Paul Fury, who describes himself as a ‘patriot’. Paul, am I right in saying that, until last night, you still held the ludicrous position that only foreign players ever dived?”

Amateur dramatics aside, it was a great night for Arsenal, who put a rancid Milan side (Fabio Borini at right-back? Jesus!) out of its misery and returned to the Emirates changing rooms to discover that two of the other favourites to take the trophy – Lyon and Borussia Dortmund – were out of the competition.

Atletico Madrid remain the team to beat, but things appear to be opening up for the Gunners ahead of today’s quarter-final draw. If, say, Red Bull Salzburg or Sporting Lisbon come out of the hat, it would only boost Arsene Wenger’s hopes of emulating his great friend Jose Mourinho and sneaking into the Champions League through the back door.

The Warm-Up assumes Gareth Southgate has trouble choosing just three courses when he goes to restaurants, because his latest England squad is a veritable open buffet of options. There are fully 27 players on the list, which seems like rather a lot.

The winners? Sean Dyche’s Burnley clan – Nick Pope and James Tarkowski are in – and the Union of New-Look Centre-backs, who are represented by Joe Gomez, Alfie Mawson, Harry Maguire and Tarkowski again. Welbeck is also in there, as is Bournemouth pass master Lewis Cook.

The losers? The Union of Old-Guard Centre-backs (Chris Smalling, Gary Cahill, Phil Jones) and Southgate himself, who is quite clearly being blackmailed by Jake Livermore.

Antoine Griezmann’s left foot should probably consider running for the French presidency.

16 years ago today, Sheffield United vs West Brom had to be abandoned because there weren’t enough players left on the pitch. The Blades had three players sent off – try not to wince when you watch that Georges Santos challenge – and then picked up two injuries after using their substitutions, creating some of the most bizarre scenes ever witnessed in a Football League game.

Let the record show that The Warm-Up adores El Niño. Yes, by now he’s been a bit crap for longer than he was good, but that only throws those blitzkrieg, ruddy-cheeked early explosions into sharper relief. Torres is human, and all the better for it.

He’s probably going to leave Atletico Madrid at the end of the season, which means we must enjoy his final acts for his boyhood club. To wit: two goals last night as Atleti hammered Lokomotiv Moscow. From Russia, with love.

Just let poor Simone Inzaghi celebrate Lazio’s fine victory against Dynamo Kiev in peace, for heaven’s sake.

David Goldblatt, the author of seminal football tome The Ball is Round, has just launched a podcast featuring conversations about – or at least vaguely related to – the beautiful game. So far, so ho-hum, but what makes this one different is the cast list: the first episode features void-confronting film-maker Werner Herzog.

As you read this, football’s great and good are flocking the mythical fictional citadel of Nyon for – drum roll please – the Champions League quarter-final draw. The Warm-Up can barely wait to see which mid-ranking 90s striker UEFA have roped in for the occasion; we have 10p on Stéphane Chapuisat, just on a hunch.

Just which of the remaining eight teams will be drawn against one of the other eight remaining teams? All of them! That’s how a draw works! It kicks off at 11am UK time, and the Europa League draw follows.