The Warm-Up - The problem is always Manchester United

Ah, the forward march of time. It seems only yesterday that Paul Pogba and Romelu Lukaku were larking about in the summer sun, toasting their glorious future together at Manchester United. And now one of them is in Manchester, while the other has recently been on strike in Anderlecht, and both desperately wanting to be elsewhere.

Worse, apparently they’re annoyed with each other. Nothing beautiful ever lasts. According to the Mirror, Romelu is, like, so upset that Paul has been, like, indulged by United, despite being so obvious about wanting to leave, while he, Romelu, has been a model professional only for United to be, like, totally unreasonable with their transfer demands.

Mean Girls 2: In Anderlecht, coming to a cinema near you.

You can understand Lukaku being a bit peeved. It’s not like he’s been terrible for United; a bit maladroit at times, sure, but 42 goals in 96 games is basically fine. Particularly in a team that changes week to week, doesn’t really seem to have a plan, and frequently fails to function at all. By curious coincidence, “frequently fails to function” is a decent review of Pogba’s last season. And yet there he is, back in the squad, getting ready for Chelsea at the weekend.

Lukaku is not getting ready for Chelsea at the weekend, as he waits for Internazionale to meet Ed Woodward's asking price. The signs are promising, and it looks like those impressive sprint times will soon be at Antonio Conte's disposal.

But whatever happens today, we reckon there’ll be a happy ending in one respect. In a few months time, via a couple of Whatsapp messages and a coincident holiday in Dubai, Paul and Romelu will have put their differences aside and will be dancing around swimming pools once more. Because the problem isn’t him, or him. It’s Manchester United. The problem is always Manchester United.

Speaking of players unwanted and unloved, Real Madrid’s war against really good footballers that Zinedine Zidane doesn’t like is rolling onwards. Madrid’s first-team squad have jetted off to Austria for some final preseason tuning, but neither Gareth Bale nor James Rodriguez have gone with them.

Bale’s case has been well-documented: Zidane doesn’t like the cut of his jib, his hair, and his golf game, and doesn’t care if he never sees him again. As for James, whatever pithy line we were going to put here has been driven out of The Warm-Up’s mind by a quick look at his Wikipedia page. 28! He’s only 28! He’s been around forever. Good lord.

Anyway, what’s not going to happen is that the two of them, apparently without a language in common, set off around Spain on a motorbike and sidecar to learn important lessons about companionship, togetherness, and regional cookery.

Instead, one of them is going to rot in the reserves for half a season. The other will get a last-minute move to one of the more romantic European sides, inspire them to a deep Europa League run and Champions League qualification, and end their career as a cult hero beloved in Naples, or Rome, or somewhere equally brilliant.

But who gets which future? That’s what we’ll have to wait and see … nah, just kidding. It’s obvious. Enjoy your break, Gareth, and try and stay in shape for Wales. Please.

Finally, Everton. Where other sides are having a quiet one, by design or by frustration, Everton are charging through the window like it’s the last episode of Supermarket Sweep and Dale’s said they can keep the inflatables.

They’ve already brought in Moise Kean, Jean-Philippe Gbamin, and Fabian “Society” Delph, and made Andre Gomes a permanent employee. Wednesday brought news of another bid for Wilfried Zaha, which Palace rejected for being frankly too weird …

… and reported moves for, well, pretty much anybody you care to mention. David Luiz, Chris Smalling, Alex Iwobi, Mario Lemina, Abdoulaye Doucoure, Tristan und Isolde, Toby Jones, Brigadier Sir Niels Olav, Mr. Tickle, and Bert. But not Ernie. Concerns over his disciplinary record, apparently.

So! If you’ve got a footballer at home, check to see if Everton have been sniffing around, and take appropriate precautions. And if you’re an Everton fan, prepare for all manner of peculiar things over the next few hours. Who knows, you might even end up with a pretty decent football team at the end of it.

You remember how, earlier in the week, Laurent Koscielny left Arsenal with a video that basically amounted to a less subtle version of those Friendship Ended memes? Well, as if to balance the universe, here comes Carl Jenkinson. And here come the feelings.

Bless him.

For reasons of monstrous nostalgia, this week The Warm-Up found itself watching a compilation of Lee Sharpe’s goals and celebrations for Manchester United.

What a handsome young man. Anyway, we don’t bring this up just as a reminder of just how good and fun he was. Just look at the way his celebration evolves. From a basic knee-slide, through some frankly dubious arm-waving, and on into the full glory of the Sharpey Shuffle.

Truly, a player born into the wrong time. Just think how strong the brand would be today.

"We’ve played without privilege and now we are privileged … So now we want to give back to those people who don’t have the same situations we do."

Over on the Guardian, Nick Ames has an interview with Sweden’s Magda Eriksson and Denmark’s Pernille Harder, whose impromptu celebratory kiss at this summer’s Women’s World Cup went viral. They touch on that, on coming out, and on joining the Common Goal project.

It’s UEFA Europa League Third Qualifying Round 1st Leg time! Hooray! Our pick of the round is probably everybody’s favourite over-achieving stats-botherers FC Midtjylland against some team called “Rangers”? Oh, you get all sorts in the Europa League.