The World Cup Warm-Up: Sixy football, sexy football and offside traps

MONDAY’S TOP WORLD CUP STORIES

Hurst. Lineker. Kane. England’s increasingly dusty World Cup record books needed some refreshment and, in the supposedly stifling heat of Nizhny Novgorod, Panama duly obliged.

Harry Kane’s hat-trick, he admitted afterwards, was one of his “lucky ones”, but few strikers have the luxury of being able to breezily pluralise their lucky hat-tricks. Two penalties - both before half-time and both satisfyingly thwacked where Mel and Sue combined wouldn’t be able to reach - helped amass a slightly surreal 5-0 lead at the break. After that, the foot was removed from the pedal, Kane deflected home his third and was instantly put on ice for the bigger tests to come.

“He’s there in the scoring charts,” Gareth Southgate said of his captain. “He’s up at the top. We wouldn’t swap him for anyone in the tournament in terms of No 9s because you know that, when he gets opportunities, he’ll bury them.”

So too, apparently, does John Stones, whose own first-half brace emphasised that Panama - wrestling moves aside - were a force to be happily reckoned with. Jesse Lingard, the happiest England player of all time, gleefully skipped around despite being floored with an early elbow, and was rewarded with the goal of the game, a minimally-backlifted clip, on the run, into the top corner.

Only Panama? Not our problem.

Of all the first-hurdle stumblers, Colombia perhaps had the least flimsy excuse. 87 minutes with ten men against Japan was not the ideal start - even if they almost got away with it - and, in this World Cup’s best attempt at a Group of Death, it could have been a mortal blow.

Poland also teetered on the brink, but they didn’t have James Rodriguez and Radamel Falcao to haul them to safety. The former has now provided a mildly preposterous 10 goals in his last seven World Cup games (6 goals, 4 assists) while the latter, at the age of 32, is finally getting a taste of the biggest show on earth.

30,000 Colombians turned Kazan into a sea of yellow - even if their team were in a classy shade of blue - and Poland made the quietest World Cup exit so far. There was plenty to enjoy as Rodriguez and co cantered to this win, but Falcao’s celebration of his fine finish may well be the abiding memory.

Having already had a tournament’s worth of soap opera - even if Julen Lopetegui’s departure already feels like a millions years ago in this World Cup bubble - Spain now have a decent chance of topping Group B...if they want to.

Fernando Hierro dealt with this supposed dilemma as you would expect. No matter who the draw suggests they might face in the last 16 if they finish first or second in their group, Hierro was not likely to be tempting fate.

“Our obligation is to get the three points and if we are top of the group so much the better, perfect,” Hierro said. “We have to play well, win and forget what is happening in the other game. We have enough to worry about without worrying about other things. To win a World Cup you have to beat almost all the good teams and you can’t choose one place or another.”

With Morocco out - even if Herve Renard promises they will be “ready to fight like lions” - Portugal’s task against Iran appears the tougher of the two. Whoever gets the better result will top the group, but the Russia/Uruguay conundrum is suddenly less clear-cut than it might have been just two weeks ago. Just win, and worry about it later.

Not much more to say about England right now, apart from LOOK AT THEIR LITTLE FACES:

Not a hint of Golden Generation-y pressure-on-shoulders angst, barely a trace of ego, zero years of hurt, John Stones looking eerily like a very young, Knight Rider-era David Hasselhoff, that moment you need to remember that that’s Nick Pope, Harry Maguire’s lovely, massive head.

This quarter-final exit is going to be fine.

Quite simply: everyone involved in this Japanese offside trap.

There’s nothing groundbreaking about a high line when defending a deep free kick, I suppose, but this took some steel balls to execute. While the defence scurries out to leave Senegal’s entire frontline offside, Shini Kagawa and Yuto Nagatomo prepare their equivalent of a back-up parachute, charging back he other way just in case.

A masterpiece. A Japanese design triumph. A heated toilet seat with adjustable jet spray of an offside trap.

It’s a great day in the calendar for World Cup Matches That Have Their Own Wikipedia Page. On this very day in 1982, Austria and West Germany played out the DISGRACE OF GIJON, a tepid 1-0 win for the Germans which ensured both progressed at the expense of a livid Algeria...

...while 25th June 2006 will be remembered for the second, more frivolous Battle of Nuremberg, which racked up an impressive four red cards, 16 yellows and a stupendous YouTube montage of all the fouls, complete with jaunty soundtrack:

The second half of the World Cup begins, and those three-match days are gone. Sniff. Anyway, Russia and Uruguay will decide in Samara this afternoon who wants to top Group A - the hosts’ goal difference gives them the advantage, but this will finally give an idea of what they’re really made of. Later on, you might need to second-screen the Group B climax, where Iran could well throw a spanner in Ronaldo’s works. Either way, might be a fun evening of simultaneous football.