Winners and losers: Bayern Munich crush hopes of a new order as Sergio Ramos gets up to his old

If last week’s first leg between Porto and Bayern had the air of upstarts storming the barricades, Tuesday’s return was the army being called in to end the revolution. The German champions, cast to type and excelling in their role as arbiters for European football’s grand old men, crushed hopes for a new order in thrillingly emphatic style at the Allianz Arena.

With full-backs Danilo and Alex Sandro missing due to suspension, Porto were always likely to be vulnerable on the flanks. Yet the continued absence of both Franck Ribery and Arjen Robben meant that Pep Guardiola would be unable to exploit the weakness in conventional style; “We don't have players for the one-on-one situations right now," he admitted on Monday.

His solution? A straightforward 4-4-2, with Mario Goetze on the left and Philipp Lahm to the right. Neither is a bona fide winger, but both linked up brilliantly with their respective full-backs (Juan Bernat and Rafinha), who were in turn encouraged to overlap and overload in wide areas.

It worked a treat: Bernat teed up Thiago for the opener and the third – finished emphatically by Robert Lewandowski – stemmed from Lahm’s impeccable volleyed cross. Porto coach Julen Lopetegui switched to a back five midway through the first half in an attempt to counteract Bayern’s dominance of the flanks, but by then the ship had long since sailed.

It is hard not to like Chicharito. Just look at him: the button nose, the fluffy hair, those eyes in which you imagine tears swell at a moment’s notice. He has the air of a man who would give his seat up on the bus for anyone over the age of 45, or volunteer as a traffic warden during the school rush. Good people. A nice kid.

He’s not bad at football either, but the last couple of years have been testing. In 2013/14 he was a spare wheel at Manchester United, a victim of David Moyes’ inability to match the ego-juggling rotational witchcraft of Sir Alex Ferguson. Things have been even more frustrating at Real Madrid so far, with Hernandez starting just seven games in all competitions (two in La Liga) before this week.

How good it was, therefore, to see the Mexican enjoy a moment in the sun against Atletico at the Bernabeu. True, he had had chances to put Real in command long before his late winner, and the goal itself owed more to a rare display of selflessness from Cristiano Ronaldo than it did any great ingenuity on Hernandez’s part. But there he was, in the right place at the right time, doing what he does.

Karim Benzema will displace him soon enough, but the sight of Chicharito gleefully wheeling away in such a big game will have brought a smile to the stoniest of faces. He’s just that kind of player.

Money-saving tip: instead of paying £50 to see Swan Lake at your local theatre, just pop some music on the stereo and load up a clip of Andres Iniesta’s achingly deft slalom in the lead-up to Barcelona’s opener against Paris Saint-Germain. Then rewind it and watch again. Repeat until satisfied or until Iniesta turns the clocks back to 2010 again.

Even their fans would admit that Les Monegasques pulled off a major coup even reaching the quarter-finals. With the gold rush that brought Radamel Falcao and James Rodriguez to the club having given way to a more cautious austerity, few would have backed Leonardo Jardim’s men to negotiate a path to the final eight – especially given how goal-shy (read: dull) they were in the group stage.

But having seen off Arsenal in impressive style in the last-16, there was a sense of an opportunity missed as Monaco meekly bowed out to Juventus, for whom a sleepy goalless draw in the principality was enough to secure a 1-0 aggregate victory.

With Juve failing to reproduce the attacking spark of their victory over Borussia Dortmund over the two legs, this was a chance for the Ligue 1 side to really make a names for themselves. But aside from a couple of forays from the promising Bernardo Silva, Monaco created little at Stade Louis II, managing just one shot on target for their efforts.

Jardim said after the game that he was proud of his players, who were “never inferior to Juventus”. If he believes that, the manner of defeat must hurt all the more.

(To be sung to the tune of 'Somethin’ Stupid'. With pre-emptive apologies to the memory of Frank Sinatra.)

I know the starting line-up has a soupçon of surprise in the midfield three;
But Sergio, with your class, I know that there’s no real chance for poor Atleti;
And afterwards you drop into the centre of defence and make a block or two;
And then you go and spoil it all by doing something stupid like ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR WHEN HE BARELY TOUCHED YOU AND ARRRRGHHHHH WHY DO YOU INSIST ON MAKING IT SO HARD FOR ME TO LIKE YOU?