World Cup Warm-Up: Croatia vs Harry Kane and the ‘tall players’, plus Henry the Elephant

“They showed from the games I’ve seen so far that they play direct football and they are very fast. They are really good at set-pieces and their tall players are dangerous at corners.”

Not the words of a Premier League manager hoping to avoid a banana skin in the FA Cup third round but those of Croatian coach Zlatko Dalic, who may have reduced England’s gameplan down to its nuts and bolts but believes they have “no glaring weaknesses”.

Funnily enough, Dalic stopped short of explaining exactly how his side plan to deal with the HMS Harry Maguire docking in their penalty area every five minutes or so, but one assumes it involves Domagoj Vida, with that ponytail that screams “hired goon who is killed pretty early on in one of the more obscure Jean Claude Van Damme films of the early 1990s”.

Any hopes on the English side that Croatia will be dragging their limbs on to the pitch in Moscow on Wednesday were met with similarly short shrift by Dalic: “of course there is some power left for the English.”

That period of extra time against Russia, though – 30 minutes of pure lactic acid – will surely have to be factored in. Raheem Sterling appears to have plenty left in the tank (not to mention a point to prove), Marcus Rashford will quite literally run for England and even the strained groin of Jamie Vardy might hold up against their burned-out back four.

But it’s not going to be that simple, is it?

“It’s bizarre,” Didier Deschamps said, while Olivier Giroud opted for “peculiar”.

“I would be proud to show Titi that he chose the wrong camp,” Giroud continued, half-joking, but this isn’t a situation that comes up very often in international football, let alone at a World Cup. Sven-Goran Eriksson once led England out against his own country at a World Cup, and now Thierry Henry – who describes himself as Belgium’s “T3, the third coach” – will quietly take his place on the bench against France in a semi-final, and will hope in vain that nobody notices.

123 caps, 51 goals, one World Cup and one European Championship: this isn’t just any old Frenchman who will be putting the enemy through their warm-ups, offering some motivational back-slaps to substitutes and…celebrating if they score.

By all accounts, the Belgian squad are largely in awe of him, Romelu Lukaku worships him and the football federation want him to stay beyond the World Cup. Saint Petersburg has a hell of a sub-plot for tomorrow night.

How close are England to winning the World Cup? Close enough for some earnest and unnecessary discussions about whether the rest of the UK should be supporting them or not.

To clarify…

Meanwhile, a glimpse into the down-time of the BBC pundits.

If you thought they’d be spending that precious rest-day time researching Belgium’s fluid 3-something-something formation or whether France are really getting the best out of Paul Pogba then you’d be wrong, because 1) tactics are no fun and 2) Alan Shearer singing Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” – including the break’s lyrics of “Tom bo li de say de moi ya”, which really separate the men from the karaoke boys – is great fun.

Look at Lineker’s little face.

July 9th means a huge “Честит Рожден ден!” to the one and only Yordan Letchkov, Bulgaria’s slapheaded slayer-in-chief of Germany at USA ‘94. Let’s enjoy that diving header again, shall we?

Another empty day of hope, nostalgia, mulling over the cultural impact of Gareth Southgate, almost being tempted to read transfer gossip, perhaps putting a wash on. The Football™ returns tomorrow.