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The Warm-Up: An away win for Tottenham?! Inconceivable

The Warm-Up: An away win for Tottenham?! Inconceivable

07/11/2019 at 07:24Updated 07/11/2019 at 08:45

A night of British comedy in Europe, as Spurs break their hex, Arsenal fall on their face, and City have to improvise desperately

THURSDAY’S BIG STORIES

Spurs win away!

It was May 8, some 180-odd days ago. The world was a different place. Britain had a different Prime Minister. And Tottenham Hotspur won a game of football away from home.

And if this is the beginning of something new at Spurs, well, what better way to celebrate it than with a goalmouth scramble of the very finest quality.

There’s at least one penalty in there, right? And a lot of exploded xG-ometers. The Warm-Up particularly likes Kane’s effort that eventually leads to the goal. If you think about it, the ball basically ends up where it’s supposed to go, nestling in the opposite corner of the net. It just does so via Son, the bar, and Lo Celso. Less a miss, more a trick shot.

The only thing missing was a defender lunging back over his own line in despair and getting caught in the goal net. Something to work on there, Red Star. If you’re going to be this bad at defending, at least try and hit the comedy beats.

Arsenal … don’t

Unai Emery, Arsenal head coach

Unai Emery, Arsenal head coachGetty Images

And that’s fine, right? Yet it felt vaguely amusing, in that way everything to do with Arsenal seems vaguely amusing. It’s remarkable, the way this grand old name has become a byword for facepalm, blunder, and calamity. The way “oh, Arsenal” infects even perfectly sensible logistical decisions.

And it’s probably something to do with stuff like this:

Yes, that’s Arsenal — grand old Arsenal — playing 90 minutes against the worst team in their Europa League group and completing one (1) pass into the box. They also scored one (1) goal. And they almost won: Vitoria’s 91st minute equaliser technically counts as a shock, since Arsenal began the game as favourites.

But you wouldn’t call it a surprise, would you? No, you would not. You’d call it “Arsenal”, and you’d be right to do so. Whatever, the day, whatever the time. Arsenal.

Dear Santa. This year I would like Arsène Wenger at Bayern Munich.

The Warm-Up doesn’t ask for much. Good football. Failing that, funny football. And failing that, well, at least a regular flow of usable content.

Think about it. It’s perfect. They’ve already got a goalkeeper and a midfield, so they won’t have to worry about him mysteriously forgetting to buy anybody. They’ve got an experienced defence, so they won’t have to worry about him mysteriously forgetting to train anybody. And they’ve got loads of exciting attacking players just crying out for somebody to let them have a bit of fun.

Come on. Just for a few months. We’ve been good all year. We deserve this. We all deserve this. Give the great man a great club; give the rest of us some twinkly-eyed press conferences and some beautiful goals.

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IN OTHER NEWS

Alert! Alert! Outfield player in goal! Outfield player in goal!

Thank you Claudio Bravo, for setting that up, and thank you Rich Jolly, for the excellent stat below. No thanks at all to Atalanta, who rather lost their heads after Kyle Walker heroically repelled the free-kick, and gave City’s no. 2 a fairly quiet ride through to the final whistle.

And if Ederson doesn’t make it for Sunday’s big game against Liverpool? Well, only one of City’s back-up keepers got sent off midweek, and it wasn’t Walker. Just saying.

RETRO CORNER

Outfield players going in goal is one of life’s great universal pleasures, second only perhaps to a dog loose in a school playground. The great thing about this video of Jan Koller’s time as an emergency keeper is that for the first half of the video, as he plays in his proper position, he looks like … well, he looks like a goalkeeper playing up front. All elbows and heavy touches.

He even scores by accident.

Then he gets the gloves (about 8.54 in the video), and he looks like he’s come home. Maybe the incredibly tall man should have actually been a keeper? Just a thought.

HAT TIP

In Germany it’s one star for three titles, two stars for five, and three stars for ten. Bayern Munich have four stars for their 20 Bundesliga wins (titles before 1963 are not counted) but no one seems to know how many more they need to capture to gain a fifth star.

COMING UP

Who knows, they might even score twice.

Tomorrow, here to bring you news of all that Europa League goodness and more, Tom Adams.

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